Life has been plodding along, and I just wanted to get a few things off my chest. We’ve had some health scares in the family recently, which have taken a toll on all of us. In the midst of it, I decided to use some of my precious energy to do something meaningful: I took my nephew out in my Audi S3. It’s a 2018 model with a 2.0L turbo engine, known for its impressive acceleration and all-wheel-drive system that provides exceptional stability and control. It’s a car I trust and handle well, especially considering the advanced driving courses I’ve taken over the years, like tactical pursuit, evasion, driving at speed, and defensive driving.
Trying to Bond, Feeling Misunderstood
It was meant to be a bonding experience, and my nephew had an amazing time. But, my brother’s phone tracking app notified him that the car was going fast, and he wasn’t happy. It felt like he thought I was reckless or that I’d put my nephew in danger, which cut deeply. It hurts when you go out of your way, using energy you barely have, to create a positive experience, only for it to be overshadowed by doubt.
Moments like these are difficult. Family dynamics are complicated, and feeling misunderstood by someone close to you, like a sibling, brings up a lot of emotions. For me, it’s not just about this one event—it’s a reminder of how distant my brother and I feel from each other. Despite my efforts over the years to build a closer relationship, it often feels like we’re mostly strangers. I’ve tried to be there, to form a bond, but so far – it’s not working. That realisation hurts and has left me feeling down.
Energy, CFS, and Unexpected Costs
Recently, I also had to make an unplanned trip into London for work. Anyone dealing with a chronic illness knows that managing energy is like budgeting money: you only have so much to spend. Going into London was an extra expense of energy I hadn’t budgeted for, and the consequences have been rough. My fatigue spiked, and I’ve been dealing with more intense pain and brain fog. It’s hard to recover from these kinds of energy deficits, and it’s left me feeling more vulnerable and exhausted.
CFS can make even a short outing feel like a marathon, and when you’re dealing with unplanned events, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. The effects linger long after the event itself, making it hard to bounce back and return to your baseline.
Support from Mum and Sister
Thankfully, I have my mum and sister as crucial sounding boards. They’ve been invaluable in helping me process the situation with my brother, ensuring I see it from all angles. With Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, brain fog can cloud my judgment, making it difficult to think clearly. Having people I trust to give me their perspectives helps me feel more grounded and less reactive. It reminds me that I don’t have to carry these burdens alone, even when things feel isolating.
Silver Linings and Small Victories
As a small silver lining, the medical cannabis continues to be a huge help in managing my pain and insomnia. It’s made my symptoms a little easier to bear, and even small victories like better sleep are worth celebrating.
For now, I’m not sure if I want to put that kind of energy into taking my nephew out again. It feels like a waste, a happiness killer, and that’s hard to accept. But I’m trying to find balance, and having the support of my family helps, even if the relationship with my brother remains a challenge.
