The holiday season, often associated with joy and celebration, offers a contrasting experience for those of us living with chronic illness. Each day comes with its own set of challenges, as was evident today.
The day included a moment of forgetfulness — failing to hang the towels — which, though small, was a reminder of the larger issue at hand. When my partner pointed this out later in the afternoon, it underscored the accumulating daily struggles and the sense of dependence they create. This dependence is accompanied by a deep-seated fear — the fear that my partner, bearing the brunt of my health issues, might reach a point where she feels compelled to leave. The possibility that she might find life easier with someone not constrained by such health challenges is a constant, uneasy thought in our relationship. In all honesty, if she chose to leave for a life less burdened by my health issues, I wouldn’t hold it against her. It’s a painful acknowledgement but one rooted in the reality of living with chronic illness.
Juggling work commitments amidst these health challenges is a constant balancing act. The brain fog that often accompanies my condition can make it difficult to focus and maintain productivity. Meeting deadlines and maintaining the quality of work becomes a herculean task, requiring more effort and energy than it might for others. The struggle to stay organized and on top of tasks is a daily battle, and the fear of letting down my colleagues adds to the stress.
As Christmas nears, even simple tasks like planning the Christmas dinner require careful consideration of my energy levels. It’s more than just a meal; it’s a delicate balance between wanting to contribute to the festive spirit and managing my limited energy.
In parallel, I’m dealing with the process of re-applying for my driving license, a necessity after a recent blackout. This process is complicated by the brain fog, making it challenging to gather the necessary documents, fill out forms accurately, and follow through with the application process. This cognitive challenge is another layer of difficulty in regaining a piece of my independence.
Despite these difficulties, the upcoming holiday break, and the anticipated visit from a friend from the Netherlands provide a much-needed bright spot. These moments offer a chance to step away from the daily challenges and enjoy the festive season. The presence of a friend, the warmth of shared experiences, and the spirit of the holidays bring a sense of joy and anticipation.
